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Below are a few quotes that I found on the net. There are more to come in the near future so stay tuned. Check out the bottom for more information.

Stupid Quotes
Proverbs
Mistranslations
Silly Quotes
Taglines
Bumper Stickers

 

Stupid Quotes

"I invented the internet".
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
- Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962

"Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon."
- Detroit Daily News

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old."
- Herb Score, Sportscaster

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad."
- Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
- Road sign on US 27

Proverbs

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

43% of all statistics are worthless.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.

A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.

He who never made a mistake never made a discovery.

It's a great satisfaction knowing that for a brief point in time you made a difference.

In golf as in life it is the follow through that makes the difference.

The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

Patience will come to those who wait for it.

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.

May today be better than yesterday, but, not as good as tomorrow.
"If you choose not to decide - you still have made a choice".

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1. When you're ready for them.
2. When you're not ready for them..

Mistranslations

In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"English well talking."
"Here speeching American."

Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul:
"Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Silly Quotes


Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved

Dain bramaged

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

Beware of programmers who carry screwdriver

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

A Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
All your base are belong to us

May the smile on your face
Come straight from your heart

Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry

Maybe this world is another planet's hell

A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans

Most good judgement comes from experience.
Most experience comes from bad judgement.

You can't cheat an honest man

One slip, and down the hole we fall
It seems to take no time at all

Does the noise in my head bother you?

I know a million ways
To always pick the wrong thing to say

I must be an acrobat
To talk like this and act like that

Every rose has its thorn.

Sister Luck is screaming somebody else's name

It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help

It's no secret that a liar won't believe in anyone elser


Taglines


Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!

Life in a vacuum sucks

You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.

"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Conserve energy... fart in a jar

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!

Bumper Stickers

Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.

This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.

This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..

Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

Faster than a speeding ticket.

FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !

This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day!

Adults are just kids with money.

T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.

You are right where you belong, behind me!

Proud mother of a delinquent child!

You are driving to close I can see your bald spot.

YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!
.
Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

If you can read this you are too close..

High beams were made to piss people off!

If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.

I hate bumper stickers!

There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it..

On the other hand...you have different fingers!

Keep honking, I am reloading!.

Never eat more than you can lift.

Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Look out! Behind you!

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .